The leaves rustle on the trees
As subtle gusts of spring
Blow out the last of embers
From upon my bed.
The arbitrary clouds of dusk,
So feather-like and soft,
Inadvertently cover your fiery wake
As you disappear behind my city-scape horizon.
I wish that I could hold you as my own,
To cage you deep within my loving heart.
But that is what ignited me in the first place,
Your freedom, or were those your stray sparks of grace.
In perpetual flames, my dreams are of you
And of bright nights and fire-play.
For when you soar, my heart does too.
Alas! Without your wings it plummets.
My mortal bird of flame
By morning, just a pile of ash.
And I'm a pile of tears, awaiting night.
I do agree, the first verse is really well written, and the ending is brilliant.
Soon, I might upload an updated version of this poem. Since it's being re-written as part of a project with my friend, where we're putting a tune to it.
Also, I wanted to know. Are there any lines in the poem which you feel don't "flow" as well as the others?
The third verse is got the most changes in my rewrite
Feels like the rhythm is broken in the 3rd and 4th stanzas. Also you have a grammatical error! "dreams are of you" or "dream is of you"
Good stuff.
(See, you don't need a PhD in lit to give a good crit)
I did, intentionally, break the rhythm all over (especially in the 3rd and 4th it seems) because that's the feel I wanted it to have.
[And thanks for pointing out that typo, I fixed it.]